The normal quiet of Harry’s Dive Shop was suddenly shattered by the sound of a customer crashing through the door, gasping loudly, as though he’d just run for his very life. As it turns out, he had. “Did you hear the news?” he asked breathlessly. “A giant, ten story octopus has crawled out of the river and is smashing buildings and eating people!”
Each Harry’s staff member paused momentarily to ponder which would be worse:
- Being crushed inside a smashed building, or…
- …being eaten alive by a ten-story octopus.
Their moment of reflection was broken by the sound of Darwin saying, in very clear and distinct English, “Screw you guys. I have wings. I am so out of here. You walking meat puppets are on your own,”
The Staff Takes Action
Calmer heads prevailed, though, as one of the staff members pointed to a box, mounted on the wall and clearly labeled, In case of giant octopus attack, break glass.
Giant Octopus Emergency Action Plan
Inside the now-shattered glass box, the staff found an ancient scroll labeled What to do when the giant octopus is threatening doom. On it, they found the following steps listed, in order:
Stand with your back facing the river and your feet approximately 18 inches apart.
Bend over and put your head between your legs.
Reach up and kiss your butt goodbye.
Having thus been instructed, each staff member, in turn, assumed the position and awaited impending doom.